We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
