My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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