My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
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