Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
