It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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