dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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