my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
