3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
