cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
my liver is dry heaving
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
