I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
