he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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