yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
