i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
