In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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