Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Randomize
