i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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