i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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