Having a random hookup so left but love u
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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