I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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