apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
its liver damage thursday
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