Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
