sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just puked most of my soul out..
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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