I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
