life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
