I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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