This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
