So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
