She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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