Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
