.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
