Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
