hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
