I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
