Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Randomize
