First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
