My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Randomize
