She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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