Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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