im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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