I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Vodka?
Forever.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
