I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
