I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
