the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
