I intend to get homeless drunk
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
