She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
