Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
