I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
i out mim tonsoeep
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