Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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