I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
