Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
